Trying to Reconcile with the Church – It’s about the Saints!

After being a devout Catholic for 50 years, I left the church. I am transgender and after initially supporting me in my decision to transition from male to female, my pastor and the Vicar Judicial (Catholic lawyer) pushed me away. They told me that I was welcome, but I didn’t have the same rights and privileges as others in the church. I was asked to never communicate with my pastor. That was okay with me. My awareness of the Bishop’s campaigns against gay people, the sexual abuses of children and systemic worldwide cover-ups became too much for me. As I described to a friend, “I have been leaking out the (church) door for a long time.” I finally stopped going.

Losing the holy Mass, the community, the sacraments and the people has been difficult. Still, I don’t feel right participating with an organization that does some heinous acts on children ignores the pain of the abused (until ordered by the court) and then fights against same-sex marriage. I was male when I married my wife 34 years ago and since my transition, I realized that when the church was fighting same sex marriage, they were fighting me!

It is not just the Catholic Church – A friend is transgender. She had been active in the Orthodox Church for many years. She recently started her transition from male to female. Her pastor had been supportive (sound familiar?) but recently met with her and told her that the Bishop said that she was no longer welcome at Church. She is not to attend Mass.

I am not a religious scholar, but I have learned a bit and I read the Bible every day. For many Catholics and Orthodox Christians, missing Mass is a mortal sin. If you die in a state of mortal sin, well, you go to hell. I never quite understood this, since I thought Jesus saved us from our sins, but nevertheless, that is what some believe. If the church banishes you from Mass (or at least shows that you aren’t welcome) isn’t that a not so gentle push toward damnation? If they don’t want you, does that give you a “Get Out Of Mass Hall Pass?” I just have a hard time understanding how a Christian leader can push someone out the door or actually tell him or her not to come. I don’t think that behavior is what Jesus had in mind. If it is, maybe I’m not a Christian after all.

I have often talked with God about my gender struggles and He/She never said anything to me about them. I just have the feeling that God loves me. Perhaps God is not consistent and says one thing to the Bishops and another to me.

I try to focus on the positive, but it is tough when the church is doing so many things I think are hurtful. I recognize that there are many beautiful and holy people in the Church. In pondering some of the great people I have known, I realized why the words and actions of many church leaders were so incongruent with what I thought Christian leaders should be.

It is all about the saints.

Have you ever met a saint? How would you know? I am not thinking about saints that have been proclaimed by a church. I’m not thinking about saints that have churches named for them or have their own feast day. I am thinking about a few people that I have met that I was sure were saints. Perhaps it would help to describe the saints I’ve known.

Saints make you feel good and bad at the same time. Good, because they exude a gentle, loving and holy spirit. I felt great just being in their presence. They seem to have a connection to the divine that is apparent, even though I never quite put my finger on exactly how I knew this. I just knew. They inspire; they are role models to emulate; they teach, seemingly without trying to teach. Bad, because at the same time I was admiring and enjoying these people, I also felt bad about myself – about my connection with God, about how I have lived. I kept thinking, “I need to do better. I’m not even close to being as good as this person. How do I get closer to God like him or her?”

The characteristics of those people I describe as Saints is what seems to be missing from so many of the Bishops and leaders. I don’t know any Bishops personally, but I hear them and read about them. They denounce. I have a friend that was denounced by the American Catholic Bishops. They didn’t even talk to him or tell him he was denounced. They announced it in a press release! They fight. They admonish. They criticize. They defend. They exclude. They lobby.

I am not seeing many of the saintly characteristics in JJ’s description of a saint. Maybe the Bishops and leaders should try to get that back. I’ll bet they had a lot of those characteristics when they decided to enter the priesthood. When they were young and struggling with trying to listen to God’s calling. Where is the gentleness, the pure heart, the love the compassion, the spiritual longing I am sure they once had – at least a little? Maybe things would improve if they try to get back at least some of that beauty.

And I’ll give them a hint of where to look:

Visit, listen to, watch, and spend time with the Sisters and Nuns. (But don’t investigate them) You will find some of the gentlest, most patient and kindest souls on the face of the earth or anywhere else in our religious communities. See what they have and pray that some rubs off on you. That is what I hope for when I’m with a Saint. Just a little will rub off on me.

JJ's Earthquake

Does God listen to gay people? Lesbians? Bi’s? How about transgenders? I know that God listens to me. But, I have to be careful because God batches our prayers (does not answer everything immediately) and God has a sense of humor.

Many Christians believe in Guardian Angels. You probably have heard or may believe the stories – God assigns a heavenly being to be with each of us, to watch over us, to protect us, give us a gentle push – both back on the right road as well as away from those dangerous busses and runaway trucks. What most don’t know, is that a major job of our Guardian Angel is to lobby for us when we pray and try to keep God from having too much of a sense of humor when the angel presents our prayers to God.

I’ll give you an example.

I live just south of Indianapolis, Indiana. In April of 2008, I got the urge to go to Mass at Church in the morning during the week. Daily Mass was at 7:30 in the morning. 7:30 a.m. and me being there just don’t go together. I am not a morning person. Still, I wanted to get up early and I tried a few times to wake up early enough to make it to Mass. It did not happen.

On the evening of April 17, I went to bed and prayed – “Dear Lord, you see that I have been trying to get up early enough to go to Mass. If you help me wake up early, I promise that I’ll get up and go to Mass in the morning.” I figured that I’d have to go to the bathroom, or the dogs would bark, or a loud bird would chirp or something like that. I wasn’t specific in my prayer; I only said that I wanted some helping waking up early enough for Mass. My angel presented this prayer to God and the conversation went something like this:

Angel: “Hey God, (the angels are allowed to be a little familiar with God and God doesn’t mind) JJ has been trying to get up early to go to Mass and she asked that you help her wake up tomorrow so she can go. She is a pretty deep sleeper thanks to you.”

God: “JJ’s asked for that before, right?’ (God knows, but just wanted to be sure the angel was paying attention)

Angel: “Yes. A few times.”

God: “What do you think of this – it would be funny if I had an earthquake around 5:30 in the morning. That would surely get her attention. I’ll bet she’d get right out of bed and have a good laugh because she’d know I was listening. What do you think?”

Angel: “Yes, that would be hilarious, (Nervous laugh), but remember that some of those earthquakes knock stuff off the walls, houses fall down and all that. Maybe that wouldn’t be that funny.” (Nervous laugh again)

God: “It will be great. I’ll just rock three or four states – you know, just a 5.2 or something like that.”

Angel: “Yeah, (not wanting to disagree with the Boss), that would be a funny one.”

So I go to sleep and at 5:23 in the morning, I was awake, I was out of bed, and I spoke out loud directly to God: “OK. I’m up. I got the message.” Sure enough, I turned on the news and the local CBS affiliate already had a map showing where the epicenter was, how strong the earthquake was, damage reports etc.

I had caused an earthquake. Would I get in trouble with the cops? This was uncharted territory for me. I never caused an earthquake before. Fog, I caused some fog once, but that is another story.

Needless to say, I was in the pew at 7:15, a full fifteen minutes before Mass. When Mass started, the priest said, “The Lord be with you.” Everyone answered, “And also with you.” I said, “Yes. I got it. I’m up.”

God listens to me. God answers my prayers. And I’m sure God knows that I am transgender. You can’t slip something like that by without notice!

But be careful. God has a sense of humor and there is only so much your angel can do.

JJ Marie Gufreda

Author – Left-Hander in London

A Message of Peace and Goodwill

"My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord;
my spirit rejoices in God my savior."

And an angel of the Lord appeared to (the shepherds)
saying:
"Glory to God in the highest
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests."

Have a very Blessed Christmas
I pray for good will for all
and
Peace on Earth

Proud to be American (Finally)

I watched a college football game from last Saturday. I don't favor one team over the other, and I don't follow these teams much during the season, but I always try to watch this game and I am intrigued by the stark differences between this game and other games.


* The players were not necessarily the biggest, fastest or most talented in the country, but there were many fine athletes and the game was competitive and exciting. I had the feeling that every player was trying his best to help his team win.

* The game was held just outside of Washington, but within the Beltway, and I am happy to say that for the three to four hours of this game, I wasn't embarrassed to be an American because of what was happening there. On the contrary, I was proud of all the participants, the fans and everyone involved. Both teams were the fiercest of rivals, but there was no partisan bickering and I didn't perceive any disrespect between teams. They seemed to genuinely respect and admire the other team.

* The President and Vice President attended - and everyone cheered for them. The teams and coaches were excited because the President was in attendance. The President and VP seemed thrilled to be there and the President looked like he enjoyed spending time and watching the game with the students - half the game on one side, and the other half on the alternate side.

* Both coaches appeared before the game and said how much they respected the other team and the other coaches. They even said that while they have the fiercest of rivalries, deep down, they felt like they were both on the same team.

* Both schools lined up in formation on the field before the game - at the same time.

* Neither team had a winning record this year, one team has won the past 9 contests between them, but there were over 80,000 fans and the teams and student bodies looked as if this was the most important game of their lives. While who would win the game seemed extremely important to everyone in the stadium and their backers, as I watched, I was enthralled with the competition and the game rather than who won or lost.

* There was no trash talking, no hot dogging, no chest thumping, no displays for personal glory. I believe there was only one penalty. After a good play or a score, the teammates would congratulate the person that scored or made the tackle, they'd pat him on the helmet or give him a hug. Then, they'd all run back to the huddle or to their benches.

* Each student body was dressed alike - in smart uniforms, coats and hats, but no face painting, no shirtless weirdos... Both sides had different, but similar uniforms.

* One coach wore a lei around his neck because he is proud of his native state - Hawaii.

* It seemed to me, that every player on the field loved to play the game.

* After the game, each team stood in front of their respective student bodies and sang their school's alma mater. The other team stood behind them respectfully.

These young people made me proud to be an American.


God Bless our troops, keep them safe and help them keep the high standards they displayed at the Army-Navy game.

Perhaps our Congress and leaders of the political parties could watch this game - together. The football teams and students at the game could teach them much about what it means to be an American leader.

Go Army
Go Navy

Better Than Judging?

People in our society spend a lot of energy judging and condemning others – often for the sin of being different. Look at gender identity and sexual attraction as an example. Have you heard people say: Should we expose our children to Chaz Bono on TV? If we accept same sex marriage, will everyone turn gay? Are gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders born that way or do they choose their “lifestyle.” Can they choose to be something else (or not act on it)? I looked it up in the Bible and found the place where it says that you are an abomination…

I am transgender and hid it for most of my life until the mid 2000’s, Questions and statements like those on the list above are interesting and might be worthy of scientific study. Humans always have curiosity about our nature. I also am curious about some similar things – Why are some people left-handed and others right-handed? Why do some people love chocolate and others don’t care for it? Why do some people crave sushi and others are grossed out by raw fish? Interesting questions. It may be good to know the answers. But, does it really matter?

I am for scientific research – learning the truth, but not for judging God, or the creator, or the universe, or the reason we are here and why we are the way we are. It took me over 50 years to figure out I needed to change genders. If it took me that long to figure out a very important part of me (my gender), I can’t hope to figure out what God was thinking when I was created. Or if you don’t believe in God, what were the causal factors that made me the way I am?

A few other questions for me to ponder: Why am I 5’5” tall? Why do I have a weird sense of humor? Why is my hair blonde? Oh, wait, I know the answer to that one…

Perhaps we would appreciate others more if we attempted to Enjoy Diversity rather than trying to explain and judge it? By enjoying diversity, I have found that a lot of my gay friends are fun; I like to dance; I like Asian food (it’s not Italian, but it’s pretty good anyway. How many Sicilian/Italian women do you know that can make sushi and her favorite sushi chef is Mexican?); I have friends that were born in different countries; and one of my best friends is a Republican. How we can differ so greatly in basic political philosophy, but be good friends is beyond my understanding. We enjoy each other’s company; we like and support each other, and work to try to understand our seemingly irrational and inconsistent views. Agree or not, we are friends. It does not bother us when we don’t agree.

I am not saying that I like everything or everyone, but I am trying to enjoy everyone as much as I can, and I appreciate the differences as well as our similarities. It helps me learn and it is much more fun than judging and condemning. Oh, and have a sense of humor. It helps!

Left-Hander in London - now available

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/105682

http://lefthanderinlondon.wordpress.com/buy-the-book/

Here's a recent review:

In Left Hander in London, JJ Gufreda takes on two ambitious goals: relate her personal journey as a male-to-female transgender and provide a guidebook to help anyone (and everyone) understand not only the "T" part of LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender), but others in this still-persecuted community. She succeeds admirably.

JJ's personal journey not only provides context for the larger picture, but also lends credibility to a life story that some might be tempted to dismiss as not of importance or having impact on their own lives. Getting to know JJ through LHIL, however, is to understand that she is not a character who lurks on the fringe of "normal" society. Quite the contrary: Joe Gufreda was (and JJ Marie Gufreda is) a loving and committed marital partner and parent to three children and a grandchild. Gufreda also continues to be a respected business consultant. What has changed for JJ – aside from her gender, of course – is her world view regarding religion, the value of diversity and acceptance, and the very nature of love and friendship (both of which, it turns out, must be unconditional if they are to survive).

JJ also weaves into the story -- and in supplemental material -- a practical "Field Guide" to help even the most "normal" amongst us understand not only our fellow life travelers, but our own biases and reactions. Frankly, I wondered if this dual-purpose approach would succeed, but it does indeed. JJ knows of where she speaks: as Joe and JJ who have, respectively, lived as a man and woman, as a father and grandmother, as a devout Catholic and as a free-thinking person of faith.

Yes, this book takes on some heavy stuff, but JJ delivers her perspective with pragmatism and a strong dose of humor. Think this book doesn't have bearing on your own life? Think again. This fascinating and insightful work deserves your attention if you, or anyone you know, have ever struggled to lead an authentic life.

Bob Chenoweth, Writer and LGBT Business Executive